How Do I Change How Women See Me?

Hello Doc!

Got a question for you but first I’d like to tell a story a female friend told me.

A few years back when she was living in a little town, there was this guy who wasn’t having any dates at all. She told me he just wasn’t sexualized by anyone and especially not by her female friends either.

That guy fancied my friend but never made a move to talk to her.
So one day she decided to go and talk to him! After that they hooked up a few times, and suddenly, he became sexualized by her friends who told her he was kinda cute and would hook up with him too.

So. You know where I’m going with this. How can someone sexualize him/herself in a cool and respectful manner ?
How could we do that without waiting for someone to come and help us out with this (because it could take eons) ?

Thank you for the answer !

Not Sexualized Yet

Have you ever seen the cliché where someone – usually a woman, but not always – is dressed in some frumpy or practical way, then someone removes her glasses/unpins her hair or something and goes “my god, you’re BEAUTIFUL”? Notice how literally nothing about that person has changed – she didn’t get cosmetic surgery, didn’t make a bargain with the Sea Witch, there was just some incredibly minor change in her presentation – and suddenly people see and react to her differently?

That’s precisely what happened to your friend. Folks saw this guy one way, there was a minor change (your friend started hooking up with him) and then suddenly folks see him a different way. It was just a slight shift that changed people’s perspectives and the way they perceived someone.

Here’s the thing: perception isn’t the same thing as reality. We have this illusion that we are objective observers of the world – that we see the world exactly as it is. We’re not, and we don’t. In fact, we don’t even actually see a lot of what we think we see. Our brains have limited bandwidth, and if we’re used to something – something that doesn’t change very often – then our brains will actually just base our perception on what we expect to see.

If you ever want a perfect example of how expectation sets perception, look up what’s known as the McGurk Effect. This is a sort of illusion that occurs when we hear things incorrectly because the audio cues conflict with other stimulus – in this case, the visual cues coming from the speaker’s face. Our brain transforms what we “hear” based on what we see, which affects what we expect.

Now, I mention all of this because it’s a reminder that a lot of the way we perceive and conceive of people isn’t based on fact, but about what you expect, and that slight changes can change people’s perception and conception of you. In the case of our friend, it was a change in perception brought on by a sort of social proof; your friend hooking up with him demonstrated to others in her social circle that he is fuckable, and so people’s perception started to change. He was functionally vetted by your friend and so people changed their minds.

HOWEVER. It’s also worth noting that her hooking up with him may have changed perceptions of him in her social circle, but that doesn’t mean that she changed the mind of all women everywhere. So I don’t want you to think this is some catch-22, where in order to become sexually attractive to others, you first have to be seen as being sexually attractive. Keeping perspective here is important.

Now, getting back to your situation: how can you start being perceived as a sexual being by others? Well… you do it by making some slight changes. A lot of sexuality is in presentation and attitude, not in physical features. The Charlize Theron we see in, say, Atomic Blonde is demonstrably the same woman in Monster, but comes off completely differently, and that’s entirely down to grooming and behavior. The same goes for you. Part of being perceived as being sexual is going to be in perception and presentation.

Your grooming and style will make a big difference. Even just a hair cut and beard trim can be transformative. Those style changes can – and frequently do – disrupt how people will see you. Change what people expect to see, and suddenly they’re going to have to reassess how they think of you.

But the bigger aspect will be not just style, but in how it makes you feel. Dressing in ways that make you feel like a sexual tyrannosaurus will go a long way towards making you act like one. If that means dressing like Sam Axe in Burn Notice, then go for it. If it means dressing more like Taliesen Jaffee when he’s dressed up for a goth club night, that works too. It’s in your attitude as much as anything else.

Another thing that helps is how you control and move you body. Both being comfortable in your own skin, but also knowing how to use it. Part of why dance is so attractive is because of the inherent sensuality of it, people who can dance move with grace and rhythm, they show that they have exquisite control over their body and, critically, using it in conjunction with another person. Leading, following, communicating through pure body language, guiding your partner through the steps… these are all incredibly hot skills and ones that translate to skill in the bedroom – both literally and in the perception of others.

Being more in tune with your body and your senses is also important, but so is being able to communicate those. Regé-Jean Page can make eating from a spoon a seductive act in part because of the sensuality of it – the contact between lip and spoon, the reaction to the taste, the look in his eyes. It’s a small thing but it contains a nugget of how he (or his character, in this case) would act in bed.

Just as importantly though: it’s a move that signals to the viewer that he’d be putting that attention to his partner’s pleasure, which is one of the most important aspects of sexual attraction and being perceived sexually. A lot more women would be up for casual sex or having more sex with more people, if they thought the sex would be any good. When you convey that you’re someone who actually knows what he’s doing and would be a damn good time, then you’re much more likely to find people who’ll want to test that possibility.

And the thing is: the other aspects I mentioned: the style, the attitude, the movement, and so on… those all convey that message. It all comes together to say “this is a guy who knows how to fuck and fuck well,” even if that person is a virgin. Because sexual skill isn’t about “body count” or being able to lick your eyebrow or do the Swirly-Go-Round or the Transylvania Twist, it’s about communication – specifically communication between partners. The best lovers aren’t the ones with the highest numbers or the most techniques, they’re the ones who can listen to what their partner wants (literally or metaphorically) and provide it. If you have a can-do attitude, a lack of ego and a willingness to take direction as needed? Then you can be one of the best lovers someone ever had, regardless of whether this is your first time or not.

So if you want to be more “sexualized”, without relying on someone else’s help first? Focus on communication ­– both directly with the individual, but also with the message your look and your actions and attitude convey to others. A person’s perception is affected by their expectation. Control or disrupt what they expect, and you change how they perceive you.

Good luck.

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Hi Doc,

Like a lot of your readers I want to thank you for the level-headed and realistic advice you share with some of us.

I’m a 39 year old guy who has spent most of his thirties hiding from others, not dating or even socializing much. But something about staring at the big 4-0 hit me with the realization that a) I’m not getting any younger and b) if I keep this up I’m going to end up a bitter and lonely old man

I’m very fortunate to have a group of extremely patient and support friends who never fully gave up on me even after months of radio silence. Recently I’ve started accepting invitations to parties and meet ups and have been introduced to some interesting people and cool places.

During a recent get together I was introduced to a woman “Z”, a co-worker of a friend. We hit it off immediately with easy-flowing, good conversations, some similar interests, she laughed at my jokes, etc. And we didn’t monopolize one another’s time, where like any good party there were plenty of other fun and interesting people at the house. But we kept coming back to one another picking up where we left off.

At the end of the night I summoned up all of my courage and asked Z if she wanted to meet up sometime. She told me sure and we exchanged info.

Fast-forward a week later and I texted Z asking if she was interested in meeting up for a hike we had discussed. She replied “Sorry, can’t make it, really busy right now”

I answered “Oh well, maybe another time”

Then nothing.

I’m not going to lie, I spent the rest of the day re-reading the message, thinking I said something wrong, going over and over in my head if I missed any signs and generally just feeling sorry for myself. When I woke up in the morning I checked my phone again and but came to the realization that I was being an idiot. I tend to believe that if someone is really interested in being around you that they’ll find a way. I erased the brief conversation as well as Z’s number. She wasn’t interested and that was that.

A couple of weeks later I had lunch with one of my friends who hosted the party and he asked if I ever met up with Z. I told him what happened and my belief about if someone is really interested. My friend said I gave up too easily, that I shouldn’t be a stalker obviously but maybe try again in a couple weeks before throwing in the towel. He offered to share her number with me but I passed.

Now I feel pretty comfortable with my decision. I’m not angry with Z, she doesn’t owe me a thing and I do believe she is/was legitimately busy. Also not hearing any reply for multiple weeks speaks volumes to me. I just wanted your two cents. Did I give up too easily?

Threw in the Towel

I think you may have overdone things by deleting her number and the text. That seemed pretty “throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bath-water” to me, honestly. Someone saying “nah, not interested” doesn’t mean they need to be erased from your memory. Hell, even if she wasn’t into you romantically, she might have been a great friend.

But did you cut things off prematurely? That’s harder to say, especially with the limited info that we have. It’s possible you gave up too easily. The way she replied seems to indicate that she isn’t into you, but gauging interest – or lack thereof – is as much art as it is science. A lot depends on outside context, which can affect how people will respond.

Now, I’m a big believer that if someone’s interested in doing something with you but circumstances mean that they can’t do it on the day you propose, they’ll tend to suggest another time or another activity. But that’s a general guideline, not a hard and fast rule. A lot of times, outside factors can affect how we respond to an invitation, even one we’d want to actually attend. If “Z” were busy and distracted, for example, she might just say “no, can’t, thanks” without suggesting an alternative. Or she might not want to go on the hike at all… but might be up for something else entirely.

(Also there’s always the context of “how well does she know you/feel safe with you”. A lot of women aren’t necessarily gonna want to go on a hike for a first date for a number of reasons – ranging from personal safety to athletic skill to simply not wanting to be hot and sweaty in a non-afterglow-y kind of way in front of a guy they like.)

It’s also possible that she was interested in talking to you and doing stuff at the party, but interest waned afterwards. It’s possible that she was interested in being friends, but saw the hike as being too date-like. Or it could be that, while she enjoyed talking with you at the party, she didn’t necessarily want to take it further, but exchanging contact info was a polite way of ending the night without the expectation of actually doing anything.

Another possibility – especially if the next time you contacted her was to ask her out – is that she didn’t necessarily remember you or connect the ask with what you two had been talking about at the party.

This, incidentally, is why I think it’s generally good to keep at least some conversation going between getting a number and getting a date. But failing that, being able to remind them of who you are and the fun they had talking to you is going to be important too.

Or she might just be a very curt texter and does better talking on the phone or face to face. The way some folks text can be very different from the way they communicate in person, especially when there are more cues from tone of voice, body language, facial expression and so on.

The only person who knows any for sure would be Z. And if you hadn’t deleted her number and all your messages, you’d have a much easier time determining what it is.

Under the circumstances you mention, I think it’d be entirely fine to try again and invite her to something else at a later time – especially if you’re not only texting in order to arrange a potential date. It’s a lot easier to say “hey, I’m doing $COOL_THING this weekend and I think you’d enjoy it; if you’re free, I’d love to take you” when you’ve been making small talk than if it comes screaming out of the clear blue sky.

Since you more or less shut the door on this potential connection, this will be a lesson for next time. As a general guideline for how many times you can ask someone out before you call it quits, I recommend the Rule of Three. One refusal could be happenstance. Two could be bad timing. Three – especially without a counter-proposal – is enemy acti a message… and that message is “not interested, thanks”.

Good luck.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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